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[O e d i p u s R e x R e w r i t e : Pages 82-87]

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Oedipus Rex Rewrite: Pages 82-87

Chorus: Dude! Why’d the queen bail? Is something bogus on her mind? The silence is freakin’ my mind!

Oedipus: J dawg’s all up and tight cuz I ain’t who I say to be. She’s got the big pride, so she don’t want her husband to be from the poor side. I’m so lucky I got the royal blood inside of me, my mother she just ought to be.

Chorus: Dude! You do have bodatious luck. The gnarly mother of the household is your queen and your nurse. Maybe you’re a bro of the big cahunas in the sky.

Oedipus: The herdsman is frontin’ yo! He’s lookin’ all like a prune! Is this the brother we be lookin’ fo’?

(Enter Herdsman.)

Chorus: Like, affirmativo dude! He served the dude of Laïus, man.

Oedipus: LIKE I SAYS! Is this the brother we be lookin’ fo’?

Messenger: Yip. I reckon it is, sir.

Oedipus: Now my brother, let me rap to ya fo’ a sec, G. You gonna give me props and tell me what you know? Were you once Laïus’s boy?

Herdsman: I was once his servant, but not a bought slave.

Oedipus: What was your business? How’d you get da dough?

Herdsman: I keep sheep.

Oedipus: Who’s terf did you sleep on?

Herdsman: Cithaeron-- and sometimes the country around it.

Oedipus: So you know this brother?

Herdsman: I saw him? I saw him where?

Oedipus: That brother! You neva saw him foo’?

Herdsman: Well, I might have seen him, but I don’t remember.

Messanger: You forgettin’ sumpn’ boy? I reckon I used to tend the hills ‘round yer shanty! I does speak the truth when I talk!

Herdsman: Yes, it was very long ago.

Messanger: Now fess up there! I’ma thinkin’ you did pass me a youngin once to me!

Herdsman: Huh? What? Why?

Messanger: Why? Cuz bubba baby over here is now yer master boy!

Herdsman: Curse you! You can’t handle the truth!

Oedipus: Don’t play my brother like that! Don’t dis him, dis yoself! You betta talk if ya value yo health!

Herdsman: No sir! What have I done wrong?

Oedipus: Yo ain’t givin’ me all the beef! Tell about the baby to the big chief.

Herdsman: I don’t know anything and neither does he.

Oedipus: If yo don’t fess up to the big chief, I’ma gonna bust out all yo teeth!

Herdsman: HELP!

Oedipus: Someone come and restrain him, quick! This guy’s starting to make me sick!

Herdsman; Why? What would you gain from this?

Oedipus: Come clean with me! Did you him the kid or is it all just a fib?

Herdsman: Yes I did!

Oedipus: Give me the truth, the rest of it! I especially want the best of it!

Herdsman: It’ll be much worse than death if I speak.

Oedipus: So, he’s trying to play us!

Herdsman; No! I already said I gave the kid to him.

Oedipus: How in the world did you get this kid? Did he come from your own crib?

Herdsman: It wasn’t mine. Someone else gave it to me.

Oedipus: In what hood does this G stay?

Herdsman; Please, don’t ask me anymore.

Oedipus: Don’t make me waste my breath, if I do it means yo death!

Herdsman: Survey says--a child of Laïus’s house.

Oedipus: Was this dawg a slave from the crib, or was he a royal kid?

Herdsman: Oh no! I have to tell the truth!

Oedipus: I have a feelin’ this ain’t no good news, but I have to hear it, I can’t choose.

Herdsman: They said...it was...Laïus’s son...but...only Jocasta would know that.

Oedipus: J dawg gave it to you?

Herdsman: Yes

Oedipus: For what?

Herdsman: She wanted me to kill it.

Oedipus: How could a mother be so unkind, to kill a baby and leave it behind?

Herdsman: She was fearing prophecies

Oedipus: What prophicies ‘bout what G?

Herdsman: The kid was gonna kill his dad.

Oedipus: So why yo’ let this dude take him yo?

Herdsman: I felt sorry for the baby. The man I gave it to lived very far away. If you’re him, you’re in trouble.

Oedipus: Oh mother! It be true! I’m a player and a slayer!

(Exeunt all except the Chorus.)

Chorus: Whoa! All dudes of mankind! Life means like, nothing dude. The big wave can take us all under. Oedipus found his bogus fate. The biggest cahuna! Like, o the very top of the wave of wisdom he surfed. He killed that sphinx thing, and gave us life. we made him, like, king n’stuff! Big daddy of Thebes. However, today his story is sort of bummed. He got so close to that firey place beneath the waves. His fate has bogusized his life, Times tells all, dudes. Time discovered the mating of mother and son. Murder of his dad.

(Enter a messenger from the palace.)

Messenger: Hi y’all!What doings must see here, what sights must be...aw heck! I’ma bearin’ ugly news. We got serious trouble folks!

Chorus: Everything was already bogus, what more?

Messenger: I tell it plain! Jocasta’s as dead as a bug in molasses.

Chorus: Whoa! Poor dudet! Like, how’d the big wave take her under?

Messenger: Died by her own hand she did. Such things souldn’t be told to youngin’s but heck, I’ll tell anyways. She really blew her stack, and went arunnin’ to her room. She ran and ripped herself up pretty good. She yowled for Laïus, told him the truth, and bought her own farm. Oedipus moseyed in, and we all gave him a stare. He asked for a stick and moaned and yowled. "Where’s J dawg? Someone find that girl!" ‘Twas a pity, but he danged did find her he did. Dead. Seems as though she hanged herself. Then things got ugly as all tarnation! He took the pin from her dress, and then dang did dong diddy poked himself in his eyes! Again and again. AND AGAIN! Both Oedipus and Jocasta got mangled in the same ugly fate.

Chorus: Does he feel a bit más tubular?

Messanger: Here he comes y’all. This father killer. His mama is not clean. He messed up his peepers so he don’t have to face no truth! He look all pathetic n’stuff!

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